Today seems to be the day for a certain topic, and since it is a topic near and not-so-dear to me, who am I to argue? This is one bandwagon I have no problems riding to the end.

Several things in my post, and in the posts I'm linking to, may be triggering. The things I'm going to talk about here are things I usually put under filter for that reason.

First, this post was on my FList this morning, linking to this post, which was inspired by this post, which later made an appearance linked in this post.

Somewhere in all of that, probably several times, was this link, which is extremely relevant to me, personally, and my own experiences.

The subject: rape, and attitudes on rape, especially male attitudes toward rape. Specifically, certain rape myths that all, in the end, point to the woman as having fault in her own rape, being at fault for what happened to her, and having all the responsibility for protecting herself against such an attack, while men have no responsibility to not act like sex lunatics. How no, not all men are rapists, but the ones who aren't have more responsibility to the women in their lives and to women in general than simply not being a rapist. Despite the attitude of one or two male individuals in the comments of rachelmanija's post, yes, actually, it is part of your responsibility as a decent man and human being to educate other men on how not to rape a woman. Maybe you think this is something that should be rather obvious, and you're right. But, you know, there are guys too stupid or arrogant to understand that a kiss is not necessarily an invitation to more, and that no does not actually mean yes. Guys who either don't care what damage their behaviour causes, or who honestly do not understand what they're doing is wrong, and weird and horrible as that sounds.



But there is a certain level of cultural conditioning going on here. I'm going to repeat things said in those linked posts because they should be repeated, and repeated, over and over until people actually start paying attention.

There are definitely communities--and they may or may not be poverty-stricken communities, either--where the prevalent mode of thought is that a woman can be blamed for her own rape if she dressed a certain way, or had certain sexual behaviors (behaviors, I might add, that in men are considered normal and acceptable), or even certain non-sexual but still non-socially-acceptable behaviors. A woman who dares bring her rapist to court (as described in the essay in the last link) can expect to have her entire history picked apart and analyzed and every small infraction used as proof that she deserved what she got. That she "asked for it." Which is absolutely bullshit of the highest degree, but there you go.

One commenter in rachelmanija has basically said if a woman gets raped, well, she should have chosen the people in her life better.

I was molested as a child. I was ten years old when my mother met and remarried my step-father. We moved into his house a week before the wedding, and he touched me for the first time before any vows were ever exchanged. I was a child, and while I knew what he had done was wrong, I also knew my mother was happy, and that I had never had any sort of father-figure in my life before this man. I was all too willing to accept what had happened so long as it didn't happen again and he would be my father. Also, I had no real concept that I, as a child, would really have any voice in the matter anyway. My mother was happy. My mother wanted him to adopt me, and thought by the time that came up there had been more instances of touching and I really didn't want him to adopt me, I didn't protest and even told the lawyer it was all right. My mother way happy, and she was an adult and if this was what she wanted... well, would she really even listen if I told her what was wrong? I thought no (and, unfortunately, later experience taught me that I really had been right in that assumption).

I don't remember how old I was the last time it happened, only that he was bolder than before, and I finally showed a response rather than try to ignore it; I screamed and stuggled. He backed away, sat down in his chair and said, in a very irritated voice "Oh, I didn't hurt you." I said: "Yes you did." I guess that was all he really needed to stop, was for me to actually tell him that he'd hurt me, even if the hurt wasn't physical. As long as I didn't fight, he accepted my attempts to ignore him as acceptance of what he was doing. I suppose in that way, I'm very lucky. He could have done more, he could have raped me outright, he could have been the type that my screams only excited him more.

This does not mean what I went through was less traumatic, or left less of an impression because it wasn't outright rape. That's why the essay on Not Rape is very personally relevant to me.

It's also why I say that asshole in comments on rachelmanija's post has no fucking clue what he's talking about. How was I supposed to, at the age of ten years old, know that this man my mother had chosen for her new husband and someone I should be able to trust, would do something like that to me? At ten years old, how could I possibly understand that even if he made my mother happy, I had a right to tell her I was unhappy, and why? Could I have chosen my new step-father? Gods, I wish I could have. But even then, who can truly trust their judgement around deceptive people?

RAINN statistics: "Approximately 73% of rape victims know their assailants." Does this mean 73% of rape victims have shitty judgement about people?

At ten years old, did I deserve it because of some clothing or behavior? Did I ask for it because I didn't fight? He certainly seemed to think so, and I wonder very much and often if up until that point did he really think what he was doing was okay? Because I'm not his blood daughter, did that make it okay in his mind? I think that's true, too, because even after the touching stopped, other types of abuse didn't. Once, he found it necessary to tell me about a dream he allegedly had in which he and I had sex, and he told me it was okay because I wasn't his real daughter. I think I was sixteen at the time.

This is my personal experience. I also have experience at work in seeing the types of attitudes discussed in the essay: I literally cannot count the number of teenage girls I see having babies, and the fathers are men 20 years old and older. Why do these girls believe that a man could want anything from her other than sex? That's the cultural conditioning we women must face.

But guys, look, you've got responsibility here as well. You really, really do. No matter how civilized we think we are, there's still some extremely misogynistic views out there that are considered perfectly acceptable. I see it in my job, and especially with my co-worker's two sons, who very much have the street mentality of their girlfriends being their property. If they're together, then the girl's gotta put out because if she doesn't, she can't love her boyfriend. Sex = love, or at least that's what those types of guys want us to believe, and even if the girl consents to sex under those conditions, it's still a violation of her rights as a human being, to be made to believe that her only worth is as a sex toy. Husbands supposedly cannot rape wives, because obviously marriage means he owns her body and can do whatever he likes with her and it absolutely cannot be rape then, right? Women who wear short skirts and revealing tops, well obviously they want it, right? If a woman doesn't fight, then ovbiously she wants it, right, even if she's too drunk to fight. And hell, if she's drunk out of her mind then she deserves it for acting like such a slut. A woman agreed to do this, this and this, and it resulted in both of us being naked, so obviously the natural conclusion is intercourse, even if she said no to it earlier in the relationship or even earlier in the night.

Guys. Guys. And by guys, I do actually mean males and not just a general "people" type of guys. Men. These things are not true, and if you're a decent human being you know this. That's great. But it really is your responsibility to take things one step further, or two or three, and making sure your guy friends understand this as well. Because maybe you think they do, and they don't, and maybe one day you'll find yourself facing the accusation of a friend in a rape or sexual assault, and you'll want to protect him because he's you're friend and he's got to be an upstanding guy, right? What if he isn't? What if he fooled you? What if he subscribes to any of those beliefs above and actually thinks he did nothing wrong? How is he supposed to know any better if his friends never attempt to educate him, and stand beside him after committing such an act?

What if the woman he raped was your friend? Your sister? Your girlfriend or wife? Would that make it your responsibility? Then, I urge every man who reads this or any of the other messages out there: think of every woman as your sister. Because every woman is someone's sister, or wife, or girlfriend, and especially someone's daughter. She may not be yours right now, but someday she might be, and if your efforts now can stop that, isn't that enough reason to make educating your fellow men your responsibility?



Men Can Stop Rape.